The dark side of me

*Or AKA The dark side of Bipolar Disorder*

**I've got alot going on inside my head right now. I had a few other posts I wanted to make but this has to be written about. So the next few days are going to be bipolar posts.. B/c I can't hold them in right now. They wont let me sleep**

I'm manic. There is no other way to put it nicely. Extremely fucking manic. I've been up so far like 39 hours now. 39 hours of NO SLEEP.40 by the time this post is done. None. Not a fucking wink. We all know how important a set sleep schedule/routine is to controlling our mania. Even more when you have the type of mania where psychosis sets in. It's not fun living in that world. It can be kinda scary. Well it can also be cool for awhile but then it gets scary at times too..

This has been building up for weeks. Probably 2 months rather.. I like to think i've had it under control off and on over the last few months. I like 2 think at times i've been ok. I don't think I convinced my friends.. I think I had myself convinced. They've been asking guarded questions.
"What time did you go to bed?" "Oh I haven't heard from you" " Are you okay?" All in that "tone".. That I'm concerned you aren't fooling me tone.. Then they text.. "you ok" "haven't heard from you" "did you sleep" or then there is the more concerned"are you awake" for those that think I might be slipping into depression after being manic.

I gotta give them props though. They know when to back off. They know how and when to give me my space. HOwever they wont let me go long w/out contact. They become too worried.. They laugh at my quirks. And my goofball shit that comes flying out of my mouth when manic. When my brain wont stay on one subject long enough to let them finish what they were saying. They kinda change their tone when I chatter so fast they can't understand.. Then they change their tone when I sound completely freaked out.. If they only knew..

People hear mania and they think about being on top of the world. High as a kite.God Like Crap. I'm gonna be famous feelings. Spending sprees, sexcapades... And yeah it's alot like that.. But there is the other side to it as well. There's the irritability, the paranoia, extreme pissy-ness, the "the world is out to get me" shit, the fact that our minds never shut down to let us sleep, they go non stop. (energizer fucking bunny remeber?).. THEN.. there is the shit that those of us who suffer from psychosis get.. The voices, the shadows, the spiders on the walls, the "lions in our halls", the radios playing in our heads, the flashes of light, the snickering laughter we hear.. The out there acid type flashes and trips. It can be fucking scary as hell. I know I kinda went over this in the past but not like this.. so bear with me..

This post is really hard for me to write. Even more so right now. But I have to because I have to get it out. Thats what I do when my head is fucked up. Thing is I have so much to write I don't know where to start. So I'm gonna go with the psychosis right now and later (tomorrow prob) explain my past and the triggers. What "gets me there"

Right now i'm in psychosis hell.. It's been coming for a few days maybe a week or two. I've totally lost track of time. Most days i have to ask what day it is.. Little less sleep every day. And now no sleep. (I started this post 2 hours ago.. My concentration is horrible) The light flickers started I know a week ago. It had to have been a week ago. It was before my PDoc appt. Truth is (and forgive me for my scattered and all over the place thoughts. I can't help it). Truth is I haven't started taking my meds the pdoc prescribed again. B/c When I hurt my back I was too scared to mix the medication and I was in so much pain I couldnt cope. Then I started having a drink or a bottle of rum and didnt want to mix the alcohol and the pills. Remember ^ I thought I was coping.. I felt fine.. However feeling fine is part of the process.. Thinking you are fine is what drives you further into mania.. Right? Anyhow.. Psychosis right?

It started with the flickers of light out of the corner of my eyes at night. At first it didnt bother me much. I mean the radio has been back for months now I think. I'm cool w/ that. I have to have music playing at all times. It soothes me. I can deal with it. I hate the day time. I loath the sunlight. It gives me headaches and i'm generally bitchy when I have to go outside at anytime during the day. I ALWAYS have to wear my sunglasses. The dr said this relates to the disorder(s) somehow I just can't remember how. Anyhow.. The night time has always been my time. I've craved it. I couldn't wait till it got dark and everyone went to bed and I was able to be up just me and no noise (music is not noise). No tv. No one touching me. I don't like to be touched. (you'll learn more next post..remember disorder(s) which stems from childhood event) I love my kids with everything in me but sometimes its too much. The touching is too much. It can upset me easily or set my mood flying in a really bad direction. I know.. I know how fucking bad that sounds. Believe me.. I judge people daily. I realize how horrible that sounds.. A mother should not feel that way. However there is some asshole out there to blame for that. And yes I hug my kids daily and tell them I love them every single day. I lost my little brother 10 years ago (in may.. he was 3). I lost part of me when he died.. Off fucking track again. It's just hard to give this info out and not back track and explain the reasons behind the shit.. NE HOW..
I hate sunlight. I loath the day time. It hates me. It makes me suffer.. I crave the nights. The night time used to provide me with comfort. All lights turned out and me up with my computer blog hopping or reading, writing, coding, or doing graphics. I lived for that shit.. Until mania and psychosis sits in.

Remember ^ This is where i'm at now.. psychosis hell. It's taken the comfort of my nights from me. Now I see things moving. I see things run across my desk thats not there. Spiders on the walls. I see shadows under chairs, behind doors, next to my couch. Then I step outside last night to have a smoke and have the worst one yet.. something huge in my driveway coming towards me glaring at me. No he wasnt real. But it was huge. It was larger than the inlaws truck. And it glared at me. It had red eyes and it was a monster. I have no clue what the fuck it was but it was huge. I blinked my eyes over and over again willing the shit away. Please just let it go away. Thats the thing about psychosis.. It doesnt always go away directly. Sometimes blinking doesnt make your vision dissappear. But that wasn't all. My cigarette smoke was making weird shapes like a bad acid trip and shit kept buzzing around my head that wasnt there. I threw out my cigarette and came in immediately. Should have been better right to? Atleast on my pc I have someone to talk to. To keep my mind off it. And yes thank you ladies I am so thankful that you are there to talk to.
But even now. The sun is coming up. Its daylight outside. Morning. And there's still a shadow next to my couch. Atleast he isnt glaring at me. He just keeps moving side to side. I keep hoping its the cat. No its not the cat the cat is sitting on top of the kitchen table.. I checked.. Thats Jasper's new hang out. Fucking kitchen table! It's gotten bad. Its normally not this overwhelming. It normally comes in bits. Few flutters here and a few there.. Nothing like a non stop constant BAD acid trip. This however has bad acid trip written all over it. Right now.. There are swirly patterns all over my computer screen. I bet if I did a screen shot.. You wouldn't see them.. See.. Just sayin.. And I swear to god something is behind the tv. Its been there all night.. paranoia plays a huge role in mania/psychotic episodes. And yes ladies and gentlemen i'm having a psychotic episode. God it sounds so much worse than it really is. I fucking hate the word psychotic.. but thats the term the docs use. It sounds so serial killer-ish.. (running scared from me yet?)

I feel like chanting over and over again that i'm not fucking crazy I'm not fucking bat shit crazy! I mean thats what got me back into the shrinks office in 07'. The psychosis got so bad I felt like I was literally flipping the fuck out and thought I was going insane. At that point I was a lil way past scared. Before 07 i'd never had any really BAD psychotic episodes. I had a few that I can pinpoint them for what they were but none that were really bad.. Okay well 1 but I was a teenager and I don't know what I chalked it up to.. Demons? Who the hel knows..I still feel the need to scream at the top of my lungs I"m not crazy.. But who am I trying to convince? You or me? I see shit.. I hear shit.. I feel shit on me.. If it wasn't me.. I'd think I was crazy. I'd want to stay way. I think anyway.. I don't know.. B/c I am me.. I go through this shit.. Its part of me. take it or leave it its all i've got. (although there is way more to me than just my bipolar shit) God would the grid on my monitor go away(I know its NOT really there).

I'm not crazy. I need sleep. I know thats PART of whats bringing on the haulicinations. I KNOW it is. Its 8am.. I havent slept since whats today? Since sometime Tuesday morning.. People can't go w/out sleep. They start to see shit. Even normal perfectly sane people will start to see shit when their body is w/out sleep. It's a fact. Its just worse for me this time. More so than normal.
Why? B/c its been coming for awhile now. The mania was building. Just hanging where I thought I could control it. I've been having mild haulicinations for weeks now. (atleast 1 week im sure of). Please forgive me if I repeat myself. More than once or even a few times.. Trouble concentrating here. I'm still not technically tired.. My body is exhausted. My eyes hurt.. My mind?

It's roaring to go. It won't shut the fuck up. It's got a fucking party going on in there. And i'm so OCD right now I can't control it. To the point of I want to rip someones head off for moving the salt shaker. And I start something I have to finish it. I've been up since Tuesday night reading fan fic. Anyone else should be able to walk away from it. Read af ew chapters and go back when they have time for the rest. Maybe stay up to 2 or 3 am reading but over 24 hours reading? Straight? No thats not normal.. I'm not normal. I'm too fucking OCD right now. I'd still be reading right now if the story hadn't had a trigger in it for me.

The story is great. I had alot in common with the story line from the beginning. I share some of the same problems/characteristics.. I enjoyed reading it. I can not read anymore right now though. I was not prepared for the trigger. No one could have known it would be a trigger for me. Its just a fucking story. Which angers me that its even a trigger at all for me but anything can trigger me. music, a phrase, a glance, a touch, a memory, an article of clothing.. I mean it could have been anything. But this story had a few chapters in it that really hit b/c I'd been there. In that situation feeling that same fucking thing. Different scenarios but still the fucking same.. But the last chapter I read. HUGE fucking trigger.. B/c i've been through that. I live that sometimes. I wasn't prepared. No one could have possibly known I would react n any way to this story. Im going to finish it. I'm glad they told me about it. I just have to process the trigger and work through it. No one could have known what a trigger for me was when I didnt even know it was myself.. Right? Plus.. no one knows enough about me yet to even think for a second it would make me feel any different than how it made them feel. Right? RIGHT!!! (well once they read this they will know.. but still..) I can't tell you how fucking stupid I feel right now for having a trigger like this.. Seriously fucking stupid!

I am curious though as to if it was responsible for my haulicinations outside. The big scary whatever the fuck it was. It was right after that. I dont know. Who knows why I see any of the shit I see.. I mean i'm pretty sure I know what the exact trigger was.. I can be prepared if there is a next time.. It's the losing touch with reality. I've been there way too many times. I keep telling people i'm fucked in the head. They don't seem to get it.. There have been times in the past where I didnt know what was real and what wasnt. I couldn't remember or the dreams invaded my brain or my defenses were up and tried to shield me from the harsh truth (thats what the therapist said). From reality. Because sometimes reality for us is pretty fucking fucked up and its scary and it doesnt let go. It sticks in your brain and it doesnt leave. You have that fucking mental scar forever. Which is worse than any physical scar or broken arm you could ever get from some fucked up jackass. Broken bones heal. Yeah i've got a scar but I dont have 2 see it.. My 1 physical scar.. The reminder.. It doesnt bother me.. The mental shit.. its bad. But I can't go into that now.. I'll write about it tomorrow.. (the disorder(s))

I think im finished now.I did not proof read this, edit it, i just typed.. Not normal 4 me in the least. its scattered i know that..but its my thoughts as they came out which is what I desperately needed right now.. I did just take my new bipolar med. We'll see how it goes. Remind me like hell 2 take it 2night. I'll so fucking forget. I'm okay. Really. You don't need to worry (Hear me.. do not call or text just to ask if im ok.. no worried tone..it makes it worse.. im okay.. i WILL SLEEP)